3 Cheers For “Draconian Justice”

So, this article woke me from my cyber nap:  Saudi court upholds child rapist crucifixion ruling. WARNING: Reading about this guy’s crimes is enough to wake anybody from any kind of sleep.

Honestly, as a father of 4, I can’t help but think hip hip hooray for this instance of Saudi justice.  That’s a brutal confession, I know.  But if someone did that to my 3yo, a post de-cap crucifixion would be a merciful out, as far as I’m concerned.

So, what can you tell us about your days with the Unabomber?

Love him or hate him, Dave Letterman has done some good interviews over the years . . . such as this 1987 gem where Crispin Glover (aka George McFly in Back to the Future) nearly karate kicks him in the head.

Well, last night’s sit down with Joaquin Phoenix was one for the books too.  You won’t recognize him from the clip, but he is the Oscar-nominated actor from a couple of my favorite movies: Gladiator and Signs.

Dave doesn’t have a lot of patience for guests who come on the show blitzed, so it doesn’t take him long before he lets out the zingers, such as my personal favorite:

“So, what can you tell us about your days with the Unabomber?”  HA!

The full interview seems to have been taken down from youtube, but here’s a highlights version:

And here’s a write up too.   

To wrap it all up, Dave sent Joaquin packing by saying: “Joaquin, I’m sorry you couldn’t be here tonight.”

Classic.

Top Ten Signs You May Be A False Prophet???

First, read this: Utah ‘prophet’ predicts disaster will prevent Obama from taking office…

As one who enjoys (purely for entertainment purposes) accounts of various ‘prophets-with-a-small-p’, I seized upon the above headline on Drudge the other day.  All things considered, I thought the LA Times article was actually quite kind to Leeland F. Freeborn of Parowan, UT – it even conjured a few feelings of compassion in me (more on that later, after I’m done with the mockery part).  

But as I said, I find self-proclaimed prophets fascinating.  And so, in “honor” of Mr. Freeborn, a.k.a. the Parowan prophet, I thought I would post my top-ten signs you may be a false prophet:

The Worth of Souls is Great, Except in Long Island, NY

In Long Island, NY, apparently the worth of souls is approximately 20 bucks.  At least that’s my impression after reading this news story of a Wal-Mart worker getting trampled to death on Black-Friday morning by a crazed mob of “bargain” hunters.

Oh, and FYI, some of the headline bargains attracting these mobsters included “a $798 Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV, a Bissel Compact Upright Vacuum for $28 and Men’s Wrangler Tough Jeans for $8.”

Wow.  I can think of no more tragic sign of the consumer times than people trampling each other to death for an $8 pair of Wrangler Tough Jeans.  

Even more maddening, some of the mobsters were actually upset because they were asked to leave the store for a couple of minutes while they tidied up the dead and the injured: ”When [the shoppers] were [told] they had to leave [because] an employee got killed, people were yelling, ‘No way, I’ve been on line since Friday morning!’ [and] they kept on shopping.”

Words fail when it comes to describing this low point in humanity.   But, one employee/witness summed it up pretty well: “I looked at [their] faces and I kept thinking one of them could have [been the one who] stepped on him . . . How could you take a man’s life to save $20 on a TV?”

Indeed.

Oh, and PS: I thought one of the comments added at the bottom of the news story was pretty funny.  Funksoul6 noted astutely, ”This whole mess would never had started if it wernt for BUSH.” 

So there ya have it folks, it’s official: there isn’t one single thing on Earth that isn’t GWB’s fault.  LOL.

Oh Ya, It’s Dub-ya Time . . . Part Duh

Since I work really hard to put food on my family, sometimes I need a little levity at the end of a long day.  As you can imagine, this clip is unimaginably funny . . .

Thank goodness I don’t have a camera on me 24/7, cuz my literacy level are appalling too!  

LOL!

Question: Is Indecision a Good Thing or a Bad Thing? I Can’t Decide . . .

I remember thinking earlier this year how excited I was to get into this presidential election.  You know, “take hold of the issues” and really “make my vote count” yada yada.  But, after all the rhetoric, spin, and misdirection, multiplied by the blame and flame associated with every angle of every debate, to be honest, I’m just really, really . . . tired.  Tired might be the wrong word, I’m not really sure. 

So, with 5 days left until the Republicrats decide our next leader, I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do with my vote.  Seriously: I am completely and totally undecided.  And FYI: YIKES.

This is new territory for me.  Looking back, I’ve always known who to pick, and I haven’t really doubted much before or after election night.  And I’ve always seen the last-minute polls with the ‘Undecided’ percentages and thought, kinda like this guy, “sheesh, who are these undecided losers and why can’t they make up their puny little minds?!?!”  Well, I guess I’m the loser now. 

I suppose I feel a little stifled, like these people – all comedy aside. 

But then again, so what?  So I’m ‘undecided’?  Big deal.  Maybe that just means I’m re-prioritizing?  Maybe that means this political season is just plain lousy?  Maybe both?  Maybe neither?  Maybe it’s ok to be undecided this late such an important game.  Again, I don’t know.  I can’t make up my mind on that either.

So, I suppose the point of this post is to solicit ideas via comments, email, phone, telepathy, smoke signal, carrier pigeon, etc.  Whatever, just please help somehow, because this is a big deal to me.

I won’t bore you with all the gory details of WHY I am undecided – i.e. all the pros and cons of each party’s candidates – because that is the line of thinking that has failed me thus far.  I just think I need an approach or decision-making model that is outside of that standard pro/con box.  I need to reframe the decision entirely, or something, maybe.  So, I’d appreciate any advice, particularly as it relates to a time when you have been undecided about something important, and how you worked through it – political or otherwise.

The only option that is off the table for me at this point is simply not voting.  I’m going to vote, I just want to feel good about it.  Is that too much to ask?!?!

Cheers.

I Have Absolutely No Fashion Sense, Thank GOODNESS!

From today’s news: “AP: Models wear creations by French fashion designer Pierre Cardin during the presentation of his entire Spring-Summer 2009 and Autumn-Winter 2009 collections at his villa in Theoule sur Mer, southern France, Monday, Oct. 6, 2008.”

Ok, I know I am no GQ, but SERIOUSLY, are you kidding me with this stuff??  They look like life-size Christmas tree ornaments!  All due respect to Mr. Cardin and the rest of fashion’s elite, but I’ll be sticking to my Costco khakis and Mickey Mouse tees, thank you very much.

Don’t Mess with Texas . . . Women (especially if they own swords)!

Here’s a gem from recent headlines:

“FORT WORTH, Texas (AP) – Police say a 20-year-old woman faces an aggravated assault charge after she bit her boyfriend, broke a picture frame across his face and swung at him with a SWORD during an argument about him not doing the dishes.  The woman was arrested Thursday afternoon at the couple’s apartment . . . The 21-year-old man told police that he became involved in an argument because the woman was upset that the dishes were not clean . . . During the ensuing struggle, the woman bit the man’s right shoulder and broke a picture frame across his face, causing visible cuts. . . The woman then grabbed an approximately 2-foot sword and swung it at him, but missed, police said.”

Wow.  That’s some pretty serious domestic action.  I have to assume the following was deleted from the article by AP editors prior to release:

“Producers from the Jerry Springer show arrived on site to immediately schedule the couple for their own episode, entitled: “You Didn’t Do the Dishes, So I’m Going to Kill You.”   Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!  Whoot, whoot, whoot.”

But seriously, I’m curious: is anyone willing to share how they feel after reading this article?  Are you:

a) Surprised, because this happened in Texas, which is normally a very calm and orderly state.
b) Surprised, because this didn’t happen in Utah.
c) Shocked, because you thought jph3 was the only weirdo who owns SWORDs.
d) Disappointed, because she used a SWORD instead of an assault rifle.
e) Spiritually Offended, because the article says something about doing dishes.
f) Ticked Off, because the man should have been arrested for refusing to do the dishes.
g) Satisfied, because he got what was commin’ to him.
h) Enlightened, because your spouse didn’t do the dishes last night either and you have a sword too.
i) Empowered, because when you swing a 2 foot sword, you don’t miss.
j) Relieved, because at least the picture frame didn’t cause INVISIBLE cuts. And we all know those are the worst kind . . .
k) Thankful, because this reminds you to buy more paper plates and cups next time you hit the market.
l) Curious, because you are wondering what she would have done if he had left the toilet seat up.
m) Indifferent, because Sarah Palin doesn’t do dishes.
n) Nauseous, because, along with those dishes, he probably left a big, globby, gunky, gooey hairball in the drain too.  Bbbrbrbrbrbrbarfff!!!
o) Excited, because you are looking forward to that episode of Springer.
p) None of the Above. Please explain.

Even a 35 Year-Old Dog Can Learn a New . . . um, Pick?

One thing my wife really digs about me is my fingernails.  Yup, that’s right folks, the longer my guitar nails grow, the more she falls madly in love with me.  You see, she and I met at BYU in the early 1990s – which was clearly the peak of the “strum your guitar outside a girl’s dorm no latter than 11:59pm so you don’t get reported to the honor code office for missing curfew” era.  And guys with long fingernails on one hand were a hot commodity, especially those of us with denim shirts, braided-leather belts, and Bev Hills, 90210 sideburns.  Sweet.

At a time when hair past the collar was a big no-no, fingernails past the knee definitely made a bold statement.  Something like: “Ya, I’m in control of both my masculinity and my hygiene, but neither is more important than being a hum-and-strum James Taylor wannabe.  Now, onward to Mama’s Café for open mic night!”

Fast forward to today, my nails are still quite fab, and I’m certain not a day goes by wherein my better half doesn’t swoon* at the sight of them – particularly after spending the holiday weekend weeding flower beds sans gloves.  (Oh yeah, we’re talkin’ lord of the black rings.  Pssst, hey single guys: FYI, popular women love that sort of thing.  Here’s proof.)  Anyway, I suppose I can admit my built-in finger picks get a wee bit out of control from time to time.  Whose don’t, right?  Well, today, as I prepared for an important meeting, I did in fact notice my hand kinda sorta looked like this dude’s.  Nice.

Mormon Nudists: Naked and Not Ashamed

So, just for fun, I took a quick look at  the schedule for the upcoming Sunstone Symposium, and I noticed the following presentation tucked away amongst the various discussions of Heavenly Mother, Gay Marriage, Women Who Know, etc.:

Title: Mormon Nudists: Naked and Not Ashamed

Abstract: “With extreme policies on wearing temple garments and dressing modestly, the LDS Church seems an unlikely spawning ground for a subculture of nudists.  Yet they exist, and in greater numbers than most people probably realize.   D. Micheal Martindale, a prominent activist for naturism, will present the rationale, spirituality, and poignant stories of members of the Church who believe in being socially nude with one another despite living every day in an environment that condemns such a practice.”  [Emphasis added.  Abstract, indeed.  And please note for the record: I am NOT making this up.]

This must have sparked my inner Utahn, ’cuz I instantly thought to myself: “what the flippin’ fetch is this freaker talking about?!?!”  And then I got to wondering:

• Will they begin this meeting with an opening . . . flash: by invitation??
• Followed by an opening hymn: A Poor Wayfaring Man Sans Briefs??
• Then will members have the opportunity to bare their . . . er, um, uh . . . nudimonies??  And share every fiber of their being??
• Will there be a special musical number, such as: Ere you left your room this morning, did you think to (put on your pants)??
• And maybe they’ll close with a rousing chorus of “God be with you till we strip again”??
• What would be the dress code for this session?  Sunday breast?  (sorry, couldn’t resist)
• Say, where would a latter-day nudie missionary pin his name tag?  OUCH!!
• Not an exact quote, but this reminds me of Genisis 3, 10-11: “Who told thee that thou (shouldst be) naked?  Hast thou eaten the fruit of the tree of (eternal loonieness)?”
• And what was that other scripture?  Nekkedness never was happiness, or something??
• On a positive note, I suppose this is one way to avoid the lure of ‘costly apparel’.  And I guess even mothers who know wouldn’t have to iron any more dresses.   Phew.
• But, so much for the Savior’s counsel to clothe the naked.

So there ya have it folks: the church of latter-day nudism has officially been uncovered.  And the unadorned truth is, this is the wackiest thing I have ever heard of, hands (not pants) down.   Great job, Sunstone, for bringing such thought-provoking scholarship to bare.

Pervasive Pythons, Killer Cornflakes and Other Sweet Effects of Global Warming

Global Warming can really be a lot of fun, especially if you are a journalist (more on that in a minute), or an armchair scientist (like me), or, I suppose, a trained environmentalist (like, ahem, Al Gore).  And apparently British engineering professors get a kick out of it too, like Dr. John Brignell, who runs the website Numberwatch.  It’s not the prettiest site on the web, but Dr. Brignell’s stated goal is “Combating Math Hysteria,” and these days, no discussion of ‘math (or any other form of) hysteria’ is complete without properly considering the topic of Global Warming. 

Best of all, Dr. Brignell has compiled a fantastic list of links to over 600 media stories which proclaim all sorts of wacky warming effects.  And as I read through the list, I thought to myself, “man, what a great time to be a journalist!  You can write anything and just chalk it up to good ol’ Global Warming.”   For example, imagine opening up the USA Today and reading: “As climate change warms the nation, giant Burmese pythons could* colonize one-third of the USA.”  Or the Sydney Morning Herald: “Climate change could* lead to ‘killer cornflakes’ with the cereal carrying the most potent liver toxin ever recorded.” 

Giant Pythons could colonize the USA?!?!?  Are you kidding me?!?!?  Who’s the editor that approved this stuff?!?!?  I really shoulda been an environmental journalist.  Also:

• Teenagers are horrified that GW causes severe acne.  But I’m sure the makers of Stridex Medicated Pads are now giving money to Al Gore to fund further advertising.
• Hannibal Lecter must be warming up the grill since GW apparently leads to increased cannibalism.  (Leave it to Ted Turner to come up with a gem like that.)
• Moral authorities are outraged that GW leads to an increase in teenage drinking, sexual promiscuity / HIV, and even sex changes.  And apparently it also leads to decreases in circumcision rates as well. 
• However, those same moral authorities may be relieved to know that GW hinders the success of brothels, and also leads to earlier marriages.  (Pfew!)
• Alcoholics everywhere are raising a glass to more potent beer and wine thanks to GW. 
• Bar association members will delight in increased attourney fees.  (Donna – use this to argue for your next raise.)
• The Scots are sad that GW killed their beloved Loch Ness Monster.  But other animal lovers will sit back and enjoy the “invasion” of herons, jellyfish,  and, eeek, the deadly domestic kitty!!.
• Entomophobes are alarmed at the increases in midges, ticks, and spiders.  Eeeeewww!!
• Glinda, Elphaba and other famous witches are shocked that GW is causing an increase in witch hunts and executions.  (I’m not making this up.)
• The Cheeseheads in Wisconsin won’t be making it back to the Superbowl because of GW.
• Adam Sandler is making a movie out of the GW induced “methane belches wreaking [and reeking] havoc” across the globe.
• Mormon handicrafters are sad that “Gingerbread houses [are now the] latest victim of global warming”

What’s also fun about this list – even though I’m sure each article is “thoroughly researched” and “backed up by the most stringent of scientists” - is that global warming manages to simultaneously cause:

• Both an increase and decrease in the number of glaciers and ice sheets, avalanches, snowfall, blizzards, global cooling (yes, global warming apparently causes global cooling), and hurricanes
• Coral reefs to both grow and shrink
• Deserts to both advance and decline
• Farmers to reap both larger and smaller crops
• Fishermen to catch more and less fish (fewer fish?  Grammar experts please comment)
• Hibernation cycles to get both longer and shorter
• Oceans to get more and less salty
• And my favorite, the Earth will apparently spin both slower and faster on its axis

Anyway, the USA Today Python article concludes, “If you see [a python], don’t attempt to engage it. Leave the area, note the location and notify the authorities.”  Well, if you see Al Gore, I suggest you do the same.

* (BTW – Note the use of the word “could” in each headline.  You will find this safety word in every single article related to Global Warming, and I think it’s because these editors realize this the only thing that will save their careers (and their self-respect) is by inserting a few semantic back doors.)

So, How Hot Is It, Really? And Other Loaded Questions . . .

My kids don’t like riding in the car very much these days. Since our van has one seat they ALL want to sit in, trips to wherever always begin with a lively bout of full contact musical chairs. For this and many other reasons, I continually offer thanks to the Minivan gods for any and all types of attention-grabbing gadgets or gizmos.  Distraction d’Jour: the built-in thermometer. 

As LA hopped into the 90s for a bit last week, the kids took a brief break from the madness and analyzed the temp data.  They noted on one trip: 93° in our driveway, 91° down the street, 96° at Costco, 89° near the school, 87° at the park, etc and so forth.  And then came the question, “Dad, so how hot is it, really??”  Good question, and I have been pondering the answer for a while now.

Nowadays a thousand different scientists, institutes, panels, politicians, pundits, newscasters, bloggers, etc, all chatter a thousand different opinions on the definitions and theories of climate change vs. global warming, vs. man made global warming.  Pop culture is weighing in, green is the new black, Al Gore is the (very well compensated) hero, and CO2 is the villain (not mass consumption or urbanization).  Oh, and let’s not forget, the venture capitalists are drooling, markets are emerging, supply chains are linking, and it’s like Christmas year-round at the patent office.  It’s truly amazing to watch. But for all this amazing reactivity, the fact of the matter is that nobody can really answer that fundamental question my kids asked the other day. 

Here’s why: In 1997, the USNRC convened a panel of scientists to study the policies, processes and systems used to gather and report actual (not modeled) temperatures, with the simple idea that a flaw in these mechanisms could greatly skew the data.  The report can be found here, but their basic conclusion is that “. . . the global capacity to observe the Earth’s climate system is inadequate and is deteriorating worldwide [and] without action to reverse this decline . . . the ability to characterize climate change and variations over the next 25 years will be even less than during the past quarter century.” 

The stations studied by the USNRC produced at the time nearly ALL the underlying data feeding the chatter and the amazing reactivity noted above, and simply stated, they concluded the data coming from these stations are not sound.   So, how hot is it really?   We cannot answer that question with any reasonable degree (har har) of certainty.   If the stations are flawed, the data are flawed.  If the data are flawed, the chatter is nothing more than a bunch of noise.

So, how bad can it be?  Check out surfacestations.org and wattsupwiththat.com.  These sites document the numerous errors, omissions, anomalies, and policy violations found at climate monitoring stations across the US.  As an example, the following images show two different stations - the first appropriately follows the rules.  In contrast, the second has located its sensor in a parking lot, next to a cell tower and several AC exhaust outlets.  (This is like placing the thermostat of your house directly above your stove.  DUH!)  For fun, note the temperature decline of the former and the incline of the latter:

Consider the following comparison: IF my employer released financial statements declaring to the world our businesses made $341 centillion dollars last quarter, what would happen?  Our stock price would soar 100,000% (and I would retire), competitors’ stock would soar, broader market indicators would rise, bond markets would likely fall, other equity/debt markets would scatter, speculators would jump, etc, and then eventually arbitrage would thin things.  In short, lots of chatter and lots of amazing reactivity.

Then, after all that, what if my employer said, “Whoops.  Did we say $341 centillion???  Uh, we really meant just $3.41.  Sorry.  Turns out our computers told us that 2+2 was actually 4 billion, and we believed them.  Our bad.”  Imagine that.  Enron all over again: panic and pan-duh-monium ad nauseum. 

Fact: The business world now spends billions of dollars every year protecting the integrity of financial data in order to prevent that pan-duh-monium from happening again.  But despite all the chatter and reactivity associated with climate change – the opinions, the new markets, the supply chains, the inventions, the predictions, the alarmism, and of course, the MONEY – not much has been done to ensure the integrity of the temperature data that drives it all.  As a result, everybody takes a different read of the thermometer, and it’s usually the read that most closely resembles the reader’s financial or political self-interest. 

Ideally, at the end of the day, I believe the true principles of resource conservation and responsible stewardship should always be the motivation for the chatter and the reactivity.  We should treat this wonderful Earth with the respect and reverence it deserves, regardless of what Sir Gore the Great Green Bard sings.  There will always be marketers looking to capitalize on going green, and if that alone helps drive awareness of true principles, then so be it.  But as long as temperature - not true principles - continues to be the fundamental basis for the chatter and reactivity, it just seems to me we ought to actually figure out how hot it really is before we identify our targets and cast our stones. 

Ok, I’m done with my soap box for now.  But, FYI, LA is back down into the 70s, or, um, the 80s, depending on your read of the thermometer. 

Cheers.

PS:  In case you didn’t know, I am fascinated by the global warming debate.  So I will probably continue to study it, and maybe write about its various angles.  Please let me know what you think . . . I’d appreciate any and all perspectives.

Guess the Mystery Meat: Mr. Ed Would Not Approve

My recent business trip to Japan included one mysterious meal after another.  I, of course, took many pictures of each dish, mainly for insurance purposes.

So, how about this: An awesome* prize goes to the commenter who guesses the type of meat featured in this picture.  Hint: Each piece is raw, and it all came from the same animal.

* = Just to clarify, ’awesome’ in this post actually means ‘totally lame’. 

---

Congratulations to Carol and Emily for both correctly guessing the Mystery Meat.  Yes, it’s true: Horse is the correct answer.  

This particular group dinner consisted of no fewer than 10 courses of horse (there’s a play on words in there somewhere) prepared in various ways: Raw (as seen in the picture, well, er, um both pictures, I guess), boiled, BBQed, over rice, etc.  The raw stuff was a bit challenging, particularly the neck fat – eeek.  But, it was an interesting experience.

Carol & Emily, for your prize, I am attaching this fantastic picture of Mr. Ed Surfing.  Sweet!