TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With Kristina and the kids vacationing in Utah, it’s been pretty lonely around the ol’ Santa Clarita hacienda.  So, all I can say is, thank goodness it’s FRIDAY!  I’ve never looked forward to a weekend more than this one.  And I’ve never missed 5 humans more than I have missed them this past 2 weeks.  I can’t wait to see them tomorrow.  PHEW, glad that’s over with . . . this ‘bachelor’ stuff is for the birds. 

PS: WALL•E opens today!!!  It’s received fantastic reviews . . . can’t wait to see it.

 

Pervasive Pythons, Killer Cornflakes and Other Sweet Effects of Global Warming

Global Warming can really be a lot of fun, especially if you are a journalist (more on that in a minute), or an armchair scientist (like me), or, I suppose, a trained environmentalist (like, ahem, Al Gore).  And apparently British engineering professors get a kick out of it too, like Dr. John Brignell, who runs the website Numberwatch.  It’s not the prettiest site on the web, but Dr. Brignell’s stated goal is “Combating Math Hysteria,” and these days, no discussion of ‘math (or any other form of) hysteria’ is complete without properly considering the topic of Global Warming. 

Best of all, Dr. Brignell has compiled a fantastic list of links to over 600 media stories which proclaim all sorts of wacky warming effects.  And as I read through the list, I thought to myself, “man, what a great time to be a journalist!  You can write anything and just chalk it up to good ol’ Global Warming.”   For example, imagine opening up the USA Today and reading: “As climate change warms the nation, giant Burmese pythons could* colonize one-third of the USA.”  Or the Sydney Morning Herald: “Climate change could* lead to ‘killer cornflakes’ with the cereal carrying the most potent liver toxin ever recorded.” 

Giant Pythons could colonize the USA?!?!?  Are you kidding me?!?!?  Who’s the editor that approved this stuff?!?!?  I really shoulda been an environmental journalist.  Also:

• Teenagers are horrified that GW causes severe acne.  But I’m sure the makers of Stridex Medicated Pads are now giving money to Al Gore to fund further advertising.
• Hannibal Lecter must be warming up the grill since GW apparently leads to increased cannibalism.  (Leave it to Ted Turner to come up with a gem like that.)
• Moral authorities are outraged that GW leads to an increase in teenage drinking, sexual promiscuity / HIV, and even sex changes.  And apparently it also leads to decreases in circumcision rates as well. 
• However, those same moral authorities may be relieved to know that GW hinders the success of brothels, and also leads to earlier marriages.  (Pfew!)
• Alcoholics everywhere are raising a glass to more potent beer and wine thanks to GW. 
• Bar association members will delight in increased attourney fees.  (Donna – use this to argue for your next raise.)
• The Scots are sad that GW killed their beloved Loch Ness Monster.  But other animal lovers will sit back and enjoy the “invasion” of herons, jellyfish,  and, eeek, the deadly domestic kitty!!.
• Entomophobes are alarmed at the increases in midges, ticks, and spiders.  Eeeeewww!!
• Glinda, Elphaba and other famous witches are shocked that GW is causing an increase in witch hunts and executions.  (I’m not making this up.)
• The Cheeseheads in Wisconsin won’t be making it back to the Superbowl because of GW.
• Adam Sandler is making a movie out of the GW induced “methane belches wreaking [and reeking] havoc” across the globe.
• Mormon handicrafters are sad that “Gingerbread houses [are now the] latest victim of global warming”

What’s also fun about this list – even though I’m sure each article is “thoroughly researched” and “backed up by the most stringent of scientists” - is that global warming manages to simultaneously cause:

• Both an increase and decrease in the number of glaciers and ice sheets, avalanches, snowfall, blizzards, global cooling (yes, global warming apparently causes global cooling), and hurricanes
• Coral reefs to both grow and shrink
• Deserts to both advance and decline
• Farmers to reap both larger and smaller crops
• Fishermen to catch more and less fish (fewer fish?  Grammar experts please comment)
• Hibernation cycles to get both longer and shorter
• Oceans to get more and less salty
• And my favorite, the Earth will apparently spin both slower and faster on its axis

Anyway, the USA Today Python article concludes, “If you see [a python], don’t attempt to engage it. Leave the area, note the location and notify the authorities.”  Well, if you see Al Gore, I suggest you do the same.

* (BTW – Note the use of the word “could” in each headline.  You will find this safety word in every single article related to Global Warming, and I think it’s because these editors realize this the only thing that will save their careers (and their self-respect) is by inserting a few semantic back doors.)

Sweet! The countdown to my hair restoration begins . . .

 I saw this story in the news the other day.

Only 5 years until hair CLONING is commercially available??  I’m definitely marking my calendar. 

Perhaps In six years they will sell hair cloning kits at Wal-Mart, too.   Sweet.

Ahhhhhh, to feel the wind blowing through my thick locks once again.  

Science is really cool.